This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
