I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
