My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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