I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Less talking, more tequila
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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