I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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