He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Randomize
