I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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