I will die if light touches me.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
