I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
