Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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