i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
