My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
