dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
