Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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