these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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