you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
