After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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