I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
