I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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