i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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