i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i believe in u and ur pee
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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