hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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