Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
