Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Randomize