Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It's rum buckets o'clock
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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