I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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