We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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