Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
