I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You ruined the universe
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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