dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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