Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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