you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
