I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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