Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
