Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
