In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
