well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
