he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
