I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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