You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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