I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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