oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
