I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
