Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I want a musical about memes.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
