Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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