There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
