I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
