I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
