i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
