This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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