Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
