I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm determined to sit on that face.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
