threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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