I accidentally had phone sex last night
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
