She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
