wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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