fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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