when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
