How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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