did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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